If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
