The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
