Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
