Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
