my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
