Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
