I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just fell off a train. Bad.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
