I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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