miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
