That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
