Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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