I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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