No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
