Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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