On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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