man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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