The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
