you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
