I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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