Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you would pick up someone in the library
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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