My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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