What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
