I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
