too bad you live with your parents still
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
