How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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