He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
