dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
