omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
