I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
