i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
