Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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