Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize