hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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