So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
