is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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