i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
