you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
