you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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