Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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