Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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