i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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