It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
