That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
