He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
