someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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