You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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