He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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