I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
