The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
