Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
