The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
