i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
