I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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