I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
