and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
