my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
