You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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