i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Can i not drive my cunt home
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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