My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize