Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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