I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hope mine doesn't look like that
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
