Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
