my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
