i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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