when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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