hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
