you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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