when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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