Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
