Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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