Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
