is wine microwaveable?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I don't deserve a penis
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
